The most common obstacle to building and projecting your
authority in coaching others is the idea that coaching is
about talking, that somehow talking takes priority over
listening to understand.
Iunderstand how this happens. In fast paced environments,
it's a natural tendency to put the pedal to the metal, to
try harder, move faster, do more. The problem is that you
wind up talking at your people instead of with them and to
them. And the obstacle this lack of understanding creates
is that without knowing what motivates your people, you
can't engage them where it counts.
When you understand what motivates your people, and it's
different for different people, you can speak with
authority that is recognized as authority, because it is
relevant and conveys experience and knowledge.
The next most common obstacle is the confidence problem.
When managers come off as tentative, hesitant or uncertain,
it tends to evoke these responses in the people around
them. This problem is the side effect of at least two
missing pieces: first, not knowing your own motivation, and
second, not being prepared to speak when you need to speak.
The fact is, people want to be led, not managed, and they
need to get that sense of authority from you, because it
gives them confidence to do what needs to be done. They
believe it when you believe it.
Now, it's a legitimate question, confidence in what? After
all, in these changing times, nobody really knows what's
coming next. And some degree of introspection is prudent
for anyone wanting to thrive instead of merely survive. But
you can have confidence in your motivations. You can have
confidence in what you do know. And you can have confidence
that under the right conditions, people will want to give
you their best, to do their best.
So, what are the key listening and communication skills
that you can improve upon as you work to develop and
strengthen others?
There are two skills that are fundamental to success in
coaching. The first is blending, the second is asking
questions.
Blending is the foundation of all successful relationships.
It happens whenever you reduce the differences between
yourself and another person. It happens whenever you send
signals of similarity and commonality. And a failure to
blend is the cause of most conflict, nobody cooperates with
anyone who seems to be against them. If perception is
everything in relationships, then sending blending signals
is how you create the perception of partnering with your
people in a process or project.
As for questions, I believe it was the stoic philosopher,
Epicetus, who said "We have two ears and one mouth so that
we can listen twice as much as we speak." Maybe this is the
apt metaphor for the way we're built, but I've observed
that too many people just don't get it. Although they
certainly think they do. Ask just about anyone if they're a
good listener, and they'll tell you yes. But most people do
a meager job of it at best, instead drawing conclusions and
then making statements instead of engaging people by asking
questions.
Maybe the people who don't ask very many questions are
afraid of looking stupid. Maybe they think it makes them
seem weak. Or maybe they think they're supposed to have all
the answers. Maybe it's just a function of the fact that we
can think faster, at 500 words a minute, than most people
talk, which is about 130 words a minute. So it's pretty
easy to get ahead of what we're hearing, or for our minds
to wander to what we want to say when its our turn to talk.
But a great coach understands the limits of his or her
knowledge about another person, and explores that boundary
to build the connection, rather than building the boundary
and weakening the relationship. The key is curiosity. The
less you think you know, the more you find out. The more
value you place on what you can learn by listening, the
less distracted you'll be with your own thoughts.
Perhaps you've heard it said that 'there is no such thing
as a stupid question.' That's a great guide when it comes
to everyone other than you! You can't afford to ask dumb
questions if you want to bring out the best in your people.
When someone asks me a question, no matter how trite,
simplistic or off the point, I welcome it and find the
opportunity in it.
When it's me asking, I think that there are dumb questions.
They're dumb if they fail to take into account things
people have said. They're dumb if they're closed ended
instead of open ended, unless I intend to bring something
to a close. I want my questions to serve an intelligent
purpose. I want to get to the deep structure of a person's
motivations and positions. I want to learn about their
goals and aspirations, their desires and fears. Asking
questions is a great way of leading people to their own
resourcefulness. And I want my questions to inform, just as
their answers will inform me.
As a coach, the more you know, the more likely it is that
you will know exactly what you need to know in order to
elicit comfort confidence and credibility.
----------------------------------------------------
©Dr. Rick Kirschner. May be reprinted without any changes,
as long as author biography and links remain intact. Dr.
Kirschner is a bestselling author, speaker, trainer and
coach. Clients include NASA, Starbucks, Texas Instruments.
Author of the 'Insider's Guide To The Art Of Persuasion.'
For a limited time, get a $49 value 1 hour audio on Dealing
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