How to Deal with Difficult People: Egos at Work

How to Deal with Difficult People: Egos at Work
In discussions about dealing with difficult people at work,
a phrase often heard is "big ego" or "his ego gets in the
way". Of course, those complaining always mean other
people's egos, never their own! In any case, how can you
deal with it?

The first question is, how do you know it's an ego problem?
And the answer is that you don't. We tend to speculate
about the reasons for people's behavior, and we're quite
often wrong.

Here's the problem. Even if you were to approach the person
in question, even if you had the nerve to suggest they had
an ego problem, you'd be no nearer a solution --- for two
reasons. First, the person is likely to be not only
insulted but perhaps bewildered that anyone should see them
as egotistical. Second, and more important, even if they
might consider the validity of the comment, what can they
do about it? You can't "fix" a swollen ego, because there's
no definition of what it actually is.

But here's the good news. What CAN be fixed is the behavior
that led you to this opinion in the first place. For that,
of course, you first need to identify the behavior.
Suppose Joe has stopped coming to meetings. In casual
conversation, someone might say "Joe thinks he's just too
important to show up at meetings." Now putting aside for a
moment the fact that that may not be true, the meeting
issue is a specific one that can be addressed because it's
based on fact: Joe's absence.

Instead of approaching Joe with an accusation about a
perceived character flaw, which would undoubtedly invite an
emotional reaction, you can discuss a business process that
is breaking down. You might say, "Joe, at yesterday's
meeting we had to make a crucial decision on behalf of our
new client, XYZ Company, but because you weren't there we
didn't have a piece of information that was vital to the
decision. That hurt relations with our client." At this
point, let Joe comment and see where the discussion goes.

From there, depending on the conversation, you might say,
"Actually, Joe, we've noticed you've missed three or four
meetings over the past couple of months. Any particular
reason?" Now you might get a diatribe about long, drawn
out meetings being a waste of time (which might well have
been bothering others too), or perhaps some surprising
comments you never expected. But the point is, you've
opened up the possibility of dialog about the effects of
his BEHAVIOR, and that's something that can be worked out.

One reason dealing with "difficult" people is a challenge
is that you can't "fix" something that's perceived as a
character flaw, whether it's ego or laziness or
stubbornness or selfishness or anything else. But you can
work on correcting disruptive or negative behavior and that
can be well worthwhile.

Focus on the behavior that's causing the problem, and
consider how you might help the person overcome it to
everyone's benefit. Are you willing to give it a try, or
will you just keep complaining about "the big egos around
here"?

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Helen Wilkie is a professional speaker and author,
specializing in workplace communication. Subscribe to her
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