If You Want to Be a Master Communicator ... Shut Up and Listen!
There is no one in the world more powerful than a great
communicator.
The ability to communicate masterfully is like The Midas
Touch. It allows you to turn virtually any opportunity into
pure gold. Through skillful communication, success becomes
possible in every area of your life - career,
relationships, finances. Effective communication is key to
all of these and more.
So just what is it that makes someone a great communicator?
What is that rare ability that allows some people to forge
real, meaningful, mutually-satisfying connections with
others?
For years I've taught classes, conducted seminars and
coached individuals on their communication and presentation
skills. And just about everyone I've worked with believes
that being an effective communicator simply means being
able to get their point across, to successfully express
their thoughts, ideas and feelings to others.
But in fact, that is just a very small part of the
equation. This ability alone will not allow you to forge
meaningful connections. In fact, if all you focus on is
your personal agenda, there's a good chance you'll get
nowhere. How many times have you observed an eloquent
speaker with what appears to be all the right techniques, a
great vocabulary, all poise and polish, only to find that
his or her words ultimately fall flat?
Look up "communication" in the dictionary, and you'll see
that it derives from the Latin word communicare, "to
impart, share," literally "to make common." So real
communication isn't simply a transmission of ideas; it's an
exchange, a dialogue of sorts. Effective communication is a
sharing of information, a coming together of two unique
points-of-view, the communicator's and the person being
communicated with. Sometimes those points-of-view are in
sync, sometimes they are in conflict; but they are always
distinct. No one's perspective, experience, interpretation,
concerns, goals, mood, etc. is identical to yours.
Understanding this fact is key to making powerful
connections.
If you take nothing else away from this article, please
remember this statement: effective communication is always
a two-way street.
In order for real, meaningful communication to take place,
information must flow in both directions - not just from
you, but to you. By fully appreciating this concept, you
will be able to do what is necessary to make real
connections with others, and ultimately improve your odds
of getting what you want from each communication encounter.
Just how can you make this exchange possible? Stop talking
-- and listen.
Most of us are actually pretty good at talking. We talk
like crazy. We talk about our problems, our
accomplishments, our relationships, our headaches, our
dreams. We talk about everything that matters to us.
Unfortunately, those issues are rarely what's of greatest
interest to others.
On the flip side, sadly most of us are lousy listeners. In
fact, most people, even when they appear to be listening
intently to someone else, are actually lost in their own
thoughts, often thinking about what they will say next.
Really hearing what others have to say, what matters to
them, what they want, what they fear, what they hope for,
will ultimately make you better able to connect with them,
and help them to understand your message.
Being an effective listener is probably the single most
important quality of a great communicator. Just observe
some of the best there are. It's often been reported by
those who know him that President Bill Clinton makes every
person he speaks with feel like they're the only person in
the room. The Reverend Billy Graham is able to touch the
emotions of thousands of people at the same time, who feel
that he's speaking personally with them. Winston Churchill
tapped into the fears and dreams of an entire nation, and
inspired them to greatness. Think about the great
communicators you've met in your own life, and how they
somehow seemed to speak a language you really understood.
Speaking the language of others. That's what real
communication is all about.
Think of it this way. Supposed you had to deliver some
important information to someone, but that person only
spoke Japanese, and you did not. What would you do? You
might have your message translated for you, or have an
interpreter on hand. But if you didn't figure out how to
somehow impart your message in the language that person
understood, it would fall on deaf ears. No matter how
eloquently you made your point, it would remain
meaningless, because you didn't speak the language.
If you're going to be one of the world's great
communicators, you will have to learn the language of
others, and then frame your message in a manner they will
understand and appreciate.
Here are a few things you can start doing right now to make
yourself a more effective communicator.
1. Train yourself to really listen. When you're attempting
to connect with someone, really focus on them, what they're
saying and how they're behaving. Consciously try to block
everything else out - your thoughts, distractions around
you, etc. Make a point of not speaking yourself until the
other person has expressed a complete thought. Fight the
urge to interrupt or finish their sentences. Try to be
genuinely interested in every word they say.
2. Acknowledge others' words and feelings. When it is your
turn to talk, begin by confirming for the other person that
you really heard them. There are several ways to do this.
You might want to comment on what they've just told you. "I
can imagine that was difficult." You might ask a question.
"Wow, what happened after that?" Mirroring is another good
technique for letting someone know you heard them.
Basically, it is simply repeating back to the other person
what they just said, and asking them for confirmation that
you understood. "So it sounds like this was a really
positive experience for you, is that right?" When you let
people know you're really listening to them, they will be
more interested when it's time for you to share your
thoughts with them.
3. Listen with your eyes. There may be no better way of
letting someone know you're listening than by maintaining
strong, consistent eye contact. This is very important when
you're speaking, but even more so when you're the listener.
Don't look down. Don't look around the room. Don't look at
other people. Look into the eyes of the person speaking to
you, and they'll know you're interested in what they're
saying. (Important! This might sound crazy, but you have to
pick one eye to look at. That's right, left or right, your
choice. But you have to focus on one. If you don't, your
gaze will drift from one to the other. You'll exhibit what
is commonly referred to as "shifty eyes," which most people
interpret as a sign of nervousness.)
4. Relate your thoughts to theirs. Finally, it's your turn
to express your ideas, feelings and desires. To be most
effective, try to build your thoughts on what you've just
heard. "I'm glad you brought that up, because I've been
thinking about something very similar." Even if you're
point-of-view is opposite theirs, you will make it more
meaningful to your listener by pointing that fact out. "I
certainly hear what you're saying, and I understand why you
think that way. But I have a different perspective on the
situation. Let me explain." By connecting your point to
theirs, you make it relevant to them.
It all boils down to this: masterful communication is a
conscious act. It requires focus, attention, forethought
and an appreciation of the person with whom you hope to
forge a connection.
Take the time to learn and apply these few skills, and
you'll be on your way to becoming a great communicator, and
to reaping untold rewards in the process.
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Keith Harmeyer is EVP of Marketing and Creative Services at
C2 Creative in New York City. He is a marketing,
communication and presentation skills expert, author,
speaker and creator of The SuperSkill, a proven method for
using traditional marketing techniques to achieve personal
and professional success. You can email Keith at
kaharmeyer@gmail.com, or visit his website at
http://www.thesuperskill.com .